Sightseeing Like a Pro

Nine hundred years of time and space, and I’ve never been slapped by someone’s mother. Well, my Doctorate is purely honorary and Harry is only qualified to work on sailors. This stuff, or whoever sent it, is cleverer than we are. Unfortunate, isn’t it? Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They’re scientific instruments, not water pistols. Have faith, Brigadier. Have I ever led you astray? Sweet, maybe… Passionate, I suppose… But don’t ever mistake that for nice. Brave heart, Tegan.

It’s rather a pity, in a way…now the universe is down to 699 wonders. You’re standing on my scarf. Alright? Of course I’m alright, my child. You know, I am so constantly outwitting the opposition, I tend to forget the delights and satisfaction of the gentle art of fisticuffs. My dear Miss Shaw, I never report myself anywhere, particularly not forthwith. That could blow a hole in the space-time continuum, the size of—actually, the exact size of Belgium. That’s a bit undramatic, isn’t it? ‘Belgium’?

Alright? Of course I’m alright, my child. You know, I am so constantly outwitting the opposition, I tend to forget the delights and satisfaction of the gentle art of fisticuffs. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Safety precaution. I’m allergic to certain gases in the praxis range of the spectrum. If the gas is present, the celery turns purple… I eat the celery. If nothing else, I’m sure it’s good for my teeth. Yes, well, the definition of the word ‘humanity’ is always a rather complex question, isn’t it?

When I say run, run. …RUN! The past is another country. 1987’s just the Isle of Wight. There are some corners of the universe which have bred the most terrible things. Things which act against everything we believe in. They must be fought. My dear Miss Shaw, I never report myself anywhere, particularly not forthwith. Come on! No idea. Just do what I do: hold tight and pretend it’s a plan. It’s all right up to the eyebrows. Then it goes haywire. Yes, that’s right, you’re going. You’ve been gone for ages. You’re already gone. You’re still here. You’ve just arrived. I haven’t even met you yet. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time.